Bedroom golf

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.

Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.

Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.

Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.

If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.

It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.

Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.

It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

Father and son

Six year-old boy to his father:
Daddy, can I have a train set?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Five years pass.
Eleven year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a ten speed bike?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Another five years passes.
Sixteen year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a car?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy: Yes, it does.
Father: Good. Then go fuck yourself.

How to kill a eel

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time.

Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Original poster : (CYAMAMOT%NUNKI.usc.edu@usc.edu (Cliff Yamamoto)) The M&M Factory

The f-word

The guys and I are going downtown to see out favorite 90's band the Headstones tonight at the sound academy tonight so this seems fitting for the first joke. 

I've often thought that it's strange how expressions used in everyday language were once considered "in poor taste"; I believe it is time to bring a particular term that has long been downcast and berated (by the imperialist dogma of the english-teacher regime, into the light of day. It is past the time when this word should have been given the full privileges of being a recognized member of the English language (that's the stuff that was developed in Britain, but never properly implemented in the States;-))

Of course, you all know the word I refer to; I have had this piece of literature lying around for a while, and I thought it demonstrates the case appropriately enough (sorry, author unknown):

---

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the english language is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which by just its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.

"Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck), or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), or a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). It should be obvious now that there are not many words as versatile as "fuck."

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

        Fraud:           I got fucked by my insurance agent.

        Dismay:          Oh, fuck it!

        Problem:         I guess I'm fucked now.

        Aggression:      Fuck you.

        Passive:         Fuck me.

        Confusion:       What the fuck?

        Difficulty:      I can't understand this fucking business.

        Despair:         Fucked again.

        Philosophical:    Who gives a fuck?

        Religious:       Holy Fuck.

        Incompetence:    He's all fucked up.

        Laziness:        He just fucks about.

        Displeasure:     What the fuck is going on?

        Rebellion:       Fuck off!

        Surprise:        Fucking Incredible!

It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's a fucking asshole.

It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.

It can be used in business - How did I get this fucking job?

It can be a prediction - Oh, will I get fucked.

It can have maternal connotations - as in "Mother Fucker."

It can be nautical - Fuck the Admiral.

It can be political - Fuck Reagan.

It can open the door to wonderful relationships - "let's fuck."

It can be used to enhance the meaning of a word - as in Beautifuckingful, Terfuckingific or Absofuckinglutely.

The mind is fairly boggled at the many many creative uses. How could anyone be offended when you say "fuck?" Use it in your daily speech! It adds to your prestige.

Today tell someone "Fuck You."

Posted god knows when on  rec.humor.funny barry@elk.UUCP

Bringing back the funny....

Way back when the internet was in diapers I had a website back in the day that served up random jokes out of a database.  Back then that was high tech as dynamic content was not something everyone could do.  There was no flash or anything fancy, it was a simple black and white website where I had accumulated well over 3000 jokes most of which came from the "most" important source for news in the early 90's newsgroups.


Most of the jokes were dirty and came from Rec.Humor.Funny, so I plan on posting some of the funnier story type jokes on this blog (typos included free)  once again so whenever I want a laugh I'll drop by and read.